Spooky Halloween Joke!

Not only did he disbelieve in ghosts; he was not even frightened of them.

Oh, those crazy Jews!

A Galacian Jew was travelling in a train. He had made himself really comfortable, had unbuttoned his coat and put his feet up on the seat. Just then a gentleman in modern dress entered the compartment. The Jew promptly pulled himself together and took up a proper pose. The stranger fingered through a notebook, made some calculations, reflected for a moment and suddenly asked the Jew: "Excuse me, when is Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement)?"
"Oho!" said the Jew, and put his feet up on the seat again before answering.

Voltaire - Snap Master!

The French poet J.B. Rousseau wrote an Ode to Posterity. Voltaire was not of the opinion that the poem merited survival, and jokingly remarked: "This poem will not reach its destination."

Back, with another broker-joke!

The Bridegroom was most disagreeably surprised when the bride was introduced to him, and drew the broker on one side and whispered his remonstrances: "Why have you brought me here?" he asked reproachfully. "She's ugly and old, she squints and has bad teeth and bleary eyes..." - "You needn't lower your voice," interrupted the broker, "she's deaf as well."

Frederick the Great

Frederick the Great heard of a preacher in Silesia who had the reputation of being in contact with spirits. He sent for the man and received him with the question "You can conjure up spirits?" The reply was: "At your Majesty's command. But they don't come."

A French joke

"Why," it was asked, in times that are now past, "have the French rejected Lohengrin?" "On Elsa's (Elsass [Alsace]) account."

A joke of Lichtenberg's

January is the month in which we offer our dear friends wishes, and the rest are the months in which they are not fulfilled.

Schadchen

A Schadchen had brought an assistant with him to the discussion about the proposed bride, to bear out what he had to say. "She is straight as a pine tree," said the Schadchen. - "As a pine tree," repeated the echo. -"And she has eyes that ought to be seen!" - "What eyes she has!" confirmed the echo. - "And she is better educated than anyone!" - "What an education!" - "It's true there 's one thing," admitted the broker, "she has a small hump." - "And what a hump!" The echo confirmed once more.

Dangerous Pudding

A three-and-a-half-year-old girl gave this warning to her brother: "I say, don't eat so much of that pudding or you will have to have some 'Bubizin'." "'Bubizin'?" asked her mother, "What's that?" "When I was ill," answered the child in self-justification, "I had to have some Medezin."

Serenissimus

Serenissimus was making a tour through his provinces and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to his own exalted person. He beckoned to him and asked: "Was your mother at one time in service in the Palace?" - "No, your Highness," was the reply, "but my father was."

The Joke That Made Me Start This Blog

An innkeeper had a whitlow on his finger and the baker said to him: "You must have got that by putting your finger in your beer." "It wasn't that," replied the innkeeper, "I got a piece of your bread under my nail."

The King

The King condescended to visit a surgical clinic and came on the professor as he was carrying out the amputation of a leg. He accompanied all its stages with loud expressions of his royal satisfaction" "Bravo! bravo! my dear Professor!" When the operation was finished, the professor approached him and asked him with a deep bow: "Is it your Majesty's command that I should remove the other leg too?"

A Gay Condensation Joke

A young man who had hitherto led a gay life abroad paid a call, after a considerable absence, on a friend living here. The latter was surprised to see an Ehering [wedding ring] on his visitor's hand. "What?" exclaimed, "are you married?" "Yes," was the reply, "Trauing but true."

Oh, that Rabbi N. !

In the temple at Cracow the Great Rabbi N. was sitting and praying with his disciples. Suddenly he uttered a cry, and, in reply to his disciples' anxious inquiries, exclaimed: "At the very moment the Great Rabbi L. has died in Lemberg." The community put on mourning for the dead man. In the course of the next few days people arriving from Lemberg were asked how the Rabbi had died and what had been wrong with him; but they knew nothing about it, and had left him in the best of health. At last it was established with certainty that the Rabbi L. in Lemberg had not died at the moment that the Rabbi N. had observed his death by telepathy, since he was still alive. A stranger to the opportunity of jeering at one of the Cracow Rabbi's disciples about the occurence: "Your Rabbi made a great fool of himself that time, when he saw the Rabbi L. die in Lemberg. The man's alive to this day." "That makes no difference," replied the disciple. "Whatever you may say, the Kück from Cracow to Lemberg was a magnificent one."

University Shenanigans

A well-known University teacher, who was in the habit of peppering his unattractive special subject with numerous jokes, was congratulated on the birth on the birth of his youngest child, who was granted to him when he had already reached an advanced age. "Yes," he replied to his well-wishers, "it is remarkable what human hands can accomplish."

X-Rated

Mr. and Mrs. X live in fairly grand style. Some people think that the husband has earned a lot and so has been able to lay by a bit [sich etwas zurückgelet]; others again thinkl that the wife has lain back a bit [sich etwas zurückgelet] and so has been able to learn a lot.

A Klangwitz

A young man was introduced into a Paris salon, who was a relative of the great Jean-Jacques Rousseau and bore his name. Moreover he was red-haired. But he behaved so awkwardly that the hostess remarked critically to the gentleman who had introduced him: "Vous m'avez fait connaître un jenne homme roux et sot, mais non pas un Rousseau."

Here is an American anecdote:

Two not particularly scrupulous business men had succeeded, by dint of a series of highly risky enterprises, in amassing a large fortune, and they were now making efforts to push their way into good society. One method, which struck them as a likely one, was to have their portraits painted by the most celebrated and highly-paid artist in the city, whose pictures had an immense reputation. The precious canvases were shown for the first time at a large evening party, and the two hosts themselves led the most influential connoisseur and art critic up to the wall upon which the portraits were hanging side by side, to extract his admiring judgment on them. He studied the works for a long time, and then, shaking his head , as though there were something he had missed, pointed to the gap between the pictures and asked quietly: "But where's the Saviour?" (i.e. "I don't see the picture of the Saviour.")

Starting Strong

A man who was obliged to go on a journey confided his daughter to a friend with the request that he should watch over her virtue during his absence. Some months later he returned, and found that she was pregnant. As was natural, he reproached his friend, who, however, seemed unable to explain the misfortune. "Well," asked the father at last, "where did she sleep?" -"In the same room with my son."- " But how could you let her sleep in the same room as your son after I'd begged you to look after her?" - "After all there was a screen between them. Your daughter's bed was on one side and my son's bed on the other, with the screen between them." -"And suppose he walked round the screen?" - "Yes, there is that," replied the other thoughtfully; "it might have happened like that."